Clarity
by ambrosiagrl
Summary: Jackson and April find their way after the devastating events of episode 9x24. Title inspired by Japril youtube video "Clarity" by exquisitexproduction


Jackson Avery popped a couple pain pills and swallowed them down with some brown stuff that he thought was whiskey but tasted suspiciously like scotch.

What had he ordered again?

The stuff burned going down and he grimaced. He had almost successfully blocked out the past three days. Almost. There were times when the music silenced, the drinks stopped flowing, and he was alone in his apartment staring at the ceiling. Times when he could still see April's face and hear her voice. When he could feel the heat of a burning bus rush at him, singeing hot, and when the pain of the impact as his shoulder had hit the pavement, along with the clattering of his teeth together was all to memorable and all too real. He would reach for the nearest bottle, find it empty, and being too drunk to go out for more, he would take one extra hydrocodine and fall asleep wherever his body decided to.

His sleeping area's varied from his couch to the floor at the entrance of his bedroom. Tonight he sat down in the empty tub waiting for the world to stop spinning. He blinked slowly, one, two, three times before sleep took him.

"You look like shit."

Jackson stirred, grimacing and uncomfortable. Alex Karev's surly voice blared in his head, causing an instant throbbing. "Fuck. You," he groaned, cracking one eye open to see Karev smirking down at him.

Karev twisted his face into something that resembled a smile. "Dude, you're sleeping in a tub."

Jackson wasn't sure what happy bug had bitten Karev in the ass but the man had been too smiley lately. It was strange and Jackson didn't like it. "So?"

"You're like six-one."

Jackson felt every bit his height at that moment. His legs were crammed awkwardly, his back felt like he'd slept on a bed of bricks, his good arm was folded behind his head as a makeshift pillow and the one in the sling was pressed painfully to the shower wall. "Yeah, well-"

Karev shook his head, dismissing whatever Jackson was about to say. "Just get out of there. Better yet," he said helpfully, "Turn the shower on, you could stand to take one."

Jackson watched Karev's retreating back. Once the man was out of sight, he uncurled himself from the tub, standing and stretching his back. He chanced a glance at his reflection in the mirror and wished he hadn't. His eyes were red and bleary, his beard was unkempt, he could use a haircut. He turned the water on for a shower, annoyed that Karev had been correct in his assessment. Very correct.

* * *

April Kepner walked the halls of Grey-Sloan Memorial Hospital like a zombie. She hadn't slept in two days, she couldn't eat anything because her appetite was gone, and she had to explain to more people than she cared to that she was no longer engaged. That's the kind of unfortunate thing one had to do when they had a very public proposal and said yes in front of all their friends and coworkers.

She was barely able to stay on her feet and had considered more than once hooking herself up to an IV. When she brought it up to Christina, the raven haired doctor had suggested blood instead. "What am I, a zombie?" April scoffed.

Christina took a bite out of a candy bar, took in April's appearance and nodded. "Sounds about right."

The only saving grace April had was that Jackson had taken a leave of absence due to his shoulder. Or at least that's what he had said it was for. April was convinced that he was trying to get away from her and with good reason. She was a mess and she had made a mess of everything.

"Go home, Kepner."

April looked up from a file she'd been absently staring at and not reading for minutes. "I'm fine, Dr. Torres."

"No, you're not," Callie Torres disagreed, taking the file folder from April's hands. "Look, I know you and Jackson had a thing and that thing turned into not a thing and then maybe a thing again and not a thing…" she trailed off "But you can't be here like this. You're a danger to the patients."

April couldn't argue that. She nodded silently.

"Take a day, get some rest and come back with your head screwed on straight. You're not the first person to lose someone you love. Life goes on."

But it didn't seem like Callie even believed what she was saying. There was a hurt, a distance in her eyes that if April hadn't had her own mountain of problems to deal with, she might ask about. Instead she turned and got of of Grey-Sloan as fast as she could. So fast she didn't see Dr. Catherine Avery until she almost bowled her over.

"Oh, I'm so sorry," she said balancing both of them with her outstretched arms. It took April a moment to realize that the person she almost trampled was Jackson's mother. "Dr. Avery?"

Catherine smiled a little smile that didn't reach her eyes. She too had a sadness that seemed to be going around the hospital. It took April another few seconds to realize why Catherine Avery was here and why she looked the way she did. "Richard," she said.

"How is he?" Catherine asked.

"There's no change as of yet. He's still on…" She didn't bother finishing the sentence, they both knew the ending. The former Chief of Surgery had been on life support since he was found in the basement of Grey-Sloan.

Catherine looked contemplative. "And my son?" she asked, tilting her head.

The look she gave April was more than inquisitive. It was knowing. April was mortified under the older doctor's stare, even more mortified that the whole hospital knew enough about the happenings between her and Jackson for it to get back to his mom.

Apil shook her head, not knowing the answer to how Jackson was doing.

Catherine Avery sighed. "My son won't talk to me. Won't take my calls, won't answer the door."

"You tried-"

"Of course I did."

"He could have died," April said on an exhale. It still shook her to think of the bus explosion and how empty she felt when she'd thought Jackson had been killed in it. She blinked back tears.

Catherine pulled her into a hug and for the first time since she'd thought she had lost Jackson, she felt comforted. When they pulled away, Catherine said plainly, "Baby, he's a man, he has his pride… and his limits. Give him _time_." She squeezed April's hands tenderly and then stepped away, disappearing into the hospital.

* * *

Jackson put his phone on the charger for the first time since it had died two nights ago. It sprang to life, binging and chiming and alerting him to missed calls, messages and voicemails. He scrolled through. There were a few from his mom and a couple from the hospital. Stephanie's number showed up more than a few times and she'd sent him a number of texts that ranged from worried to angry to downright pissed off. He tossed the phone onto the bed and sat down beside it. There was nothing from April, not that he should expect anything.

She'd asked him for a reason and he'd given her nothing. He didn't understand why either. He had been able to think of a few reasons instantly but none of them ever went past his thoughts. He had sat, wordless, staring at a woman who had bared herself to him and said nothing.

Stupid, stupid, _stupid._

He wanted another drink or a pain pill, anything to numb the thoughts that painfully crept back in, but he knew better. He'd flushed the pills down the toilet and there was no alcohol, save the rubbing kind, in his apartment. He laid back on his bed, both hands pressed behind his head and stared at the ceiling. He would eventually have to face April and his feelings. He'd have to talk to his mom and Stephanie, but not tonight. Tonight he was going to sleep in his bed. Not the floor, not the couch and definitely not the bathtub.

* * *

April's apartment wasn't really an apartment. It was more a one room studio. The only door the place had led to the bathroom. It was nicely decorated and comfortable and it was all she could afford by herself. The kitchenette stood to the immediate right after you walked in, a breakfast bar with two stools separated the living area, that housed one couch and a small flatscreen television, from what would be considered her bedroom. The head of her bed was was comfortably tucked away in the far side of the studio by a large bay window.

She often thought back warmly on the time where she, Jackson and Alex were rooming together. Now _that_ had been an apartment. Hardwood floors, three spacious bedrooms, a washer and dryer. But that place was only a memory, now she had smooth concrete floors and took her wash down to the shared laundry space twice a week.

Everything had been so simple and then it wasn't.

She poured herself a glass of white wine and popped a meal that she wouldn't eat into the microwave and sat down at her two person table. Tears stung the back of her eyes. She let them fall this time because she was alone and no one could see her.

* * *

The knocking at his door was offensive. Jackson groaned and rolled over in his bed, looking at the clock on his nightstand. It read two-thirty a.m., way too late or early for visitors. He tried to roll back over and ignore the knocking, but it didn't stop. Throwing his sheets away from his body, Jackson stormed out of his room and to the front door. He yanked it open and came face to face with an angry Stephanie. "Look," he started.

"No," she cut him off, brushing past him into his apartment. "I've been worried and you haven't answered my calls, my texts, _your door_."

"Karev-"

"Yes, Karev said you were fine but he would lie for you." She eyed him, daring him to dispute that truth.

Jackson motioned to himself. "Now you see for yourself, I'm fine."

Her eyes roved his naked chest and then fell to his left arm. She exhaled audibly. "How's your shoulder?"

"It's fine," he lied. It hurt like a bitch.

She neared him, reaching her hand out to touch him. Jackson stepped out of reach. "Stephanie, we need to talk."

She tucked her outstretched hand into her jean pocket and waited.

"I'm not sure if you know about my past with April or not."

The intern nodded, she'd heard hospital gossip but didn't know where the truth ended and the speculation began. "You two dated briefly."

Jackson shook his head as if to clear it and pinched the bridge of his nose. "There was more to it than that. A lot more."

A silence fell between them that Jackson filled up with thoughts of everything he and April had been: best friends, roommates, her first, engaged.

"Are you saying you're getting back with April?" Stephanie asked, breaking the silence.

_No, yes, maybe._ "I don't know," he answered truthfully. "I'm no good for anyone right now."

"You're breaking up with me," she murmured, realization dawning.

"We were just having fun, right?"

She diverted her eyes. "Yeah. _Fun_. See you around Jackson, uh, Dr. Avery."

She closed the door a little too hard on her way out.

* * *

The day April took off from work had been occupied with mindless television watching and a few bottles of wine. She wasn't completely herself when she got back to work but she was sure she'd cried out every tear her body possessed so at least she wouldn't have to worry about leaking like a drippy faucet every time something reminded her of Jackson.

April stood, staring at the food items in the attending's lounge refrigerator before she decided on an apple. She grabbed it and turned to leave as Jackson Avery walked into the room. They both stopped in their tracks, as though they had been superglued to the floor. Their eyes caught and stayed fixated on each other. It felt like minutes before they spoke, blurting out each other's names at the same time. They laughed awkwardly and smiled tentatively.

"Your shoulder?" April said, her eyes falling to the sling that supported his arm.

Jackson smiled tightly. "Hurts like hell," he said.

"You haven't been taking pain meds?"

"Not anymore."

"Oh."

Jackson finally stepped completely into the room. "I'm still on leave," he offered.

April nodded. "Jackson," she trailed off not knowing how to proceed. Thoughts jumbled in her head. She wanted to apologize for putting him on the spot. For cornering him and making whether or not she married Matthew solely his decision. "Matthew and I are through."

He visibly tensed. "I heard."

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"I know." He was understanding. Always understanding.

April sometimes wished he wasn't. She wished that he would call her out and not accept whatever she threw at him. As if on command, she got her wish.

She watched the muscle in his jaw tick, tick, tick and then he finally exploded. "You know, I used to joke that you were crazy but now I'm really starting to think you are."

"Wha-"

"You, April, _you_ are the reason we ended. You and your constant back and forth with religion, with the boards, with us." He began to pace the room. "You never took us seriously."

April was shaking her head. "That's not true, Jackson."

Jackson nodded, "It's true. If it wasn't true then why were you so happy not to be pregnant by me? To not have to marry me? Why was that the worst thing in the world?"

April stared at him in disbelief. Was that what he thought? "No, Jackson. I wasn't ready."

"But you were ready to marry Matthew after what, five dates?"

She had no response to that but: "You two were different."

Jackson stopped pacing. "Ouch."

"That's not what I mean."

He was turning to leave.

April rushed her words. "What I mean is Matthew was safe. He believed in the same things I did, he came from the same upbringing, he made me feel comfortable. But you, Jackson. _You are burning hot_, you are edge of my seat, you are _not_ safe- not for my heart, but I realize now that love shouldn't be safe!"

He turned back to her. "What would Jesus say about that?"

Now it was her turn to feel the sting. She set her apple on the table with a thump. "That's low, Jackson."

He closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I'm sorry. April, I can't do this right now. I'm not ready." He brushed past her to a cabinet where he grabbed a medical journal.

April reached out for him as he tried to leave. She stopped him by touching his injured arm softly. When they were this close all of the trouble melted away. That was how it worked with them. They could deny, deny, deny until they actually got too close for comfort and then their denial became the lie it truly was. Jackson leaned into to her touch and April slipped her hand up to his cheek, resting it there, loving the way his stubble felt beneath her fingers. She stared into his blue eyes, searching, pleading. "We can try again," she said, hopeful.

"We could," he agreed. "But I need time, April. I can't try again with these unresolved issues. That would be putting a bandaid over a stab wound." He placed his hand on the back of her head, pulling her closer to him and dipped his head so their foreheads touched.

April cupped his face with both her hands and kissed him once, lingering, savoring.

They pulled away. "I have work stuff to do on my down time," he said, motioning with the book.

April tilted her head, nodding. "And I have to study. The boards are coming up soon. The mention of the boards brought an uneasy tension to the room. "I wish I had my study buddy," she added, smiling to ease the tension.

"That probably wouldn't be a good idea," he quietly replied.

"Right."

Meredith walked into the room and Jackson took the opportunity to slip out. He didn't even say goodbye.

* * *

Jackson spent the night drowning out the world with medical jargon. He'd read one full journal and flipped through another. When he finally looked at the clock it was almost midnight. He thought of another person who had their nose in a book and what she had said to him earlier. _Love shouldn't be safe_. It reminded him of something someone told him a year ago, almost to the day. He picked up his phone and pushed in April's number. It rang a couple of times before she answered.

"_Jackson_," she breathed into the phone.

"How's your studying going?"

_"Not too bad._"

"You know this stuff," he told her. "You're going to pass."

He heard her relieved sigh. _"I'm glad you think so."_

"I know so."

The next few nights they did the same thing. Jackson would call her and she'd give him a rundown on how her studying was progressing. He would reassure her and they'd fall into some random conversation or another. Sometimes it was about their lives at Mercy West, sometimes it was about a funny thing that had happened at work, sometimes it was about them and where they went wrong. Jackson was beginning to understand April better and he was beginning to realize that he hadn't been the best at communicating his feelings either. They were both at fault for how things had ended between them.

"I miss you," he confessed one night before they hung up.

_"I miss you, too. I like this though."_

"Me too," he agreed. He had come to look forward to their nightly conversations. It was like pillow talk without the pillows, but that didn't fill the void not seeing her for over a week had caused him. "Can I come see you?"

"_Yes,_" she replied with no hesitation.

* * *

Jackson Avery showed up at her door exactly twenty minutes after they'd hung up. He lifted a white paper sack with "Taco Takeout" printed on the front of the bag. April took it from him and moved aside so that he could come in.

"I've never been in here before," he remarked, taking in her apartment.

"It's a downgrade from the apartment we had last year, but it's mine," she said.

"I like it, it's nice."

April pulled two beers from the refrigerator and placed their taco's on her nice china. "Sit," she said, nodding in the direction of her couch.

Jackson did as he was told. April handed him a plate and a beer and sat down next to him. Reruns of The Cosby Show played in the background.

"I'm glad you came," she admitted.

"So am I." Jackson didn't touch his taco, instead he set his plate on the small glass coffee table and turned to her. "Mark Sloan."

His late mentor. "What about Mark?"

"Do you remember the night you left Seattle, when I told you to meet me at Joe's?"

April nodded, guiltily. She hadn't waited and she still regretted it "The day Sloan woke up."

"He had a surge. You know when a patient has one last burst-"

"Of energy before they relapse."

"Exactly. Mark was honest, funny, insightful. He had lost Lexie and he was giving out advice to anyone within ear shot about love. He told me something that night that I didn't listen to and lately it's been replaying in my head like a record stuck on repeat."

April waited, expectantly. She hadn't seen Jackson this excited since he'd come to her to tell her about a patient he'd performed something miraculous on. That had just been moments before her engagement to Matthew. She bit down on her bottom lip and listened as he further explained.

"Mark said 'If you love someone, tell them. Even if you're scared that it's not the right thing. Even if you're scared that it will cause problem's. Even if you're scared that it will burn your life to the ground, you tell say it, you say it loud and you go from there.'"

The redhead's mouth fell agape. "Jackson?"

"This may turn out to be a disaster. but then again it may turn out to be really, really good. Either way, we won't know unless we try and we can't try unless we're honest, so…"

April smiled at his smile, happiness blossoming inside of her.

"I love you, April, and I've loved you for a long time. Actually, I can't think of a time when I didn't love something about you. Your voice, your habits that everyone finds annoying? I don't find them annoying at all, your hands, the way you bite your bottom lip - like that-" he said, sweeping his thumb along the lip she'd captured between her teeth.

April laughed, a blush heating her cheeks.

"I love it when you wear your hair in a ponytail and it swings when you walk or turn your head. I love the being able to talk to you about anything. I love that you're my best friend." He tilted his head, staring at her. "I don't know what the future holds for us, but in this moment… in this _lifetime_, I love and will always love you, April Kepner."

_This._ This was better than any flashmob proposal could ever dream to be. He kissed her softly, and then with more urgency and then with a passion that took her breath away. When the kiss finally broke they were both breathless and flushed. "I should leave," he said, "before this goes any further."

"Let's go further," she said. "I want to go further." For the first time in a long time, April was completely sure about something. It had taken a while to get there but she was finally at that point. She didn't have to question whether or not she and Jackson were real anymore. And he loved her.

She gripped fistfuls of his shirt and pulled him to her. They kissed again. Jackson pressed her body tightly against his, lifting her from the couch. He carried her to her bed and laid her down. "I love you, Jackson Avery," she said as his weight came down beside her.

His smile was infectious. They kissed through two silly grins, teeth clicking and tongues touching.

Hours later, when the first bit of sunlight crept through the slats of the window blinds, April's normally neat house was a bit of a disarray. The television played informercials, two discarded beers had left puddles on her coffee table, untouched taco's sat soggy on her fine china, his and hers clothes were strewn across her floor. Jackson's shoes had somehow ended up tossed by the front door, and she was tangled up in sheets, pressed comfortably into the body of the man she loved.

The man she loved.

It felt so good to think it but she wanted to try it out on her tongue again. "I love you, Jackson," she whispered.

April could feel his smile form on the base of her neck. "I love you, too," he answered sleepily.

She loved the sound of that. She cuddled closer to him, if that was possible, and fell asleep happily in his arms.

* * *

"Is it too big?" Jackson Avery asked his friend.

"She's a chick, is it ever too big?" Alex Karev replied.

"You're right," Jackson said, only agreeing as a way to ease the unsureness he had over the whole ordeal.

"If you don't want to do this…"

Jackson shook his head. "No, I do want to do this it's just the last time someone proposed to her it was a flashmob."

"Dude, you're not going to beat a flashmob."

"I know!" Jackson groaned, frustrated.

Karev got up from the lunch table they'd been occupying when he saw April walk in. "There's your girl."

Jackson snapped the ring box shut and tucked it into his lab coat pocket. He watched as April grabbed a tray and walked towards the buffet. She stopped at the pasta first, like she always did. "Mom?" she exclaimed upon seeing her mother standing in place of Mrs. Wright; the normal server. "Why are you serving me pasta?" Her mom only smiled and replied, "Will."

"Dad?" The next person in line was definitely her dad._ Come on_!"

"You," her dad said.

"What is going on here?"

Behind her Meredith, Christina and Alex approached. "Marry", they all said in unison.

Jackson had made his way to her and was there on one knee when she whipped around. "Me?" he finished, smiling up at her.

April stared down at him in disbelief. "You didn't!"

Jackson quirked his brows up. "I did."

April squealed in the uncontrollable way she did when she couldn't contain her surprise or excitement. She was beautiful. If they lived to be one hundred together, he would always remember her this way. "Yes!"

Cheers erupted across the cafeteria.

Jackson sprang up and slid the ring onto her finger. "It's not a flashmob," he said picking her up in his arms.

"No, it's so much better," she whispered.

* * *

At the intern table, Jo bit into a carrot. "First a flashmob and now this?"

Stephanie picked at her food. "Some girls have all the luck."

Brooks shrugged. "What's so special about Kepner, anyway? I mean, has she ever lost a marble up her nose?"

Shane simply looked at the three women and smiled knowingly. April Kepner had gone from "the dud" to one of the best trauma fellows in the nation. He could admit to himself that at first he'd been skeptical of her, being that she'd been the only one of the residents at Grey-Sloan to not pass the boards but working with her put a new perspective on the doctor. April Kepner was pretty awesome. Any guy would be lucky to have her.

* * *

They got married in Moline on April's parent's farm, in a field. The vows were personal and and exchanged as all their loved ones looked on. Friends from Grey-Sloan had come along with some from Mercy West. Catherine Avery was front row on the grooms side, smiling proudly at her son and soon to be daughter-in-law. Richard Webber sat beside her. He was still wheelchair bound but physical therapy was helping him regain the use of his legs. Bailey and her husband sat at his other side. The Shepard's were in attendance along with Christina and Owen, who avoided each other. Callie had come alone but she seemed happy, even if it was just for them. And Alex was there as Jackson's best man, he made eyes with his intern girlfriend Jo throughout the whole ceremony.

When they kissed, April's little nieces and nephews, opened netted cages and let hundreds of colorful butterflies out into the open air. It was beautiful and everything she'd ever wanted.

"You know," Karev said, leaning towards his girlfriend, "Wedding's aren't half bad."

Jo agreed. "Great food, free drinks, good music, mints," she said, lifting one from a bowl of favors. "Hmm, 'Mint to Be'," she read off before unwrapping and discarding of the paper.

"Very Kepner," Karev explained.

"Avery," Jo said.

Karev looked confused. "What about him?"

"April's last name is Avery now."

Jo's words took a moment to sink in. He'd known Jackson and April for years. Before either of them had thought to even date each other. It had been a long road for them and they had somehow come out on top. _Good for them_, he thought. "Dude, they're _really_ married," he stated a little lamely and a little awed.

He and Jo shared a cheesy laugh as they walked to the bar arm-in-arm.

* * *

April's mom was a crier. Jackson smiled, watching her dab at her eyes while he danced with April. "You're beautiful," he whispered into her hair. It was upswept and whimsical, at least that's how April had described it to him as she had flipped through pages upon pages of bridal hair magazines looking for the perfect style.

"Thank you," she replied against his chest. "You're more handsome than ever."

Marriage wasn't something that Jackson had ever made room for on his list of things that he needed to do before he died, but after falling in love with April it became something that he had to do. There was no way he would be able to spend his life without her as his wife. They would have kids one day and in the summer their kids would play on a farm with pigs and chase chickens, and they would have dinner with all of the Avery's where they would tell their grandmother and great grandfather about how they revived a frog that had been hit by a car or how they saved a spider that their mom had tried to murder with a shoe. They would spend time in world class hospitals and 'stethoscope' would be their first word.

"What are you thinking about?" his wife asked.

"Your mom's a crier. I see where you get it from."

April laughed, playfully hitting his chest as she leaned back to look up at him. "And?"

"We'll make awesome parents one day."

"Yeah, I think so, too. Wanna know what I was thinking?"

He smoothed his hand down her bared back. "Of course."

"This wedding is the one you promised me the first time you proposed." Her smile was so cute and the little dimple in her cheek was enough to make him want to sweep her up to her childhood room and make love to her under 'NSYNC posters.

Jackson smiled, he wouldn't have had it any other way. He took her hand and spun her around once then clamped her close to him with his arm. He kissed her sweetly, gently with a promise of more to come. "So it is."

fin


End file.
